GRESS

Hear me out on this one.[1] Most people want more prisons.[2] They just don’t want them built anywhere near where they live. I propose that we turn prisons into human zoos of a sort. This would draw in tourists and serve as a deterrent to both visiting children as well as the inmates subject to constant gawking.[3]

“Now, if you’ll look to your left, you’ll see our rec yard… coming up on your right are some of our lifers… We don’t have any child molesters available for viewing today. They’re currently getting raped in the back”[4]

Doesn’t this sound a lot more interesting than yet another boring trek past missing hyenas and sleeping bears?[5] People would come from all over the world to visit our prisons[6] and the influx of money would reduce our deficit and boost our economy in general thus lessening the need for so many prisons in the first place.[7] In addition, the constant attention from an audience may cause our inmates to develop performance instincts that they never even realized that they had.[8]

I’m sure that the novelty of this proposal will make it a bit controversial at first[9] but novelty is required at a time like this when prison overcrowding and boredom amongst our youth are two of the most pressing problems facing our country.[10] My plan may alleviate and, dare I say, solve both of these problems.[11] I’d like to start a movement[12] to get at least one Prizoo[13] up and running in the next year.[14] I’m confident that its runaway success will make further expansion of my project all but inevitable. I hope you will join me in full-throated[15] support of my initiative.[16]

[1] Rhetorical. I’m aware that you’re reading this.

[2] More prisons may be inefficient and ultimately detrimental but the people do seem to consistently support more of them in polling. 2a When it comes to the people it’s best to remember that an old O’Jays song 2b

2a I recall. I haven’t checked in a while.

2b  “Got to Give the People What They Want” 2b1

2b1 “Living for the Weekend” and “For the Love of Money” also tell you a great deal about the people. 2b1a

2b1a  I enjoy “Wildflower”

[3] I’m acknowledging the inhumanity of this here to let you know that I know that it’s humane and that I’ve thought about this inhumanity in the most humane possible way.

[4] This is a cheap joke and also inhumane but in a way that most people seem to find more acceptable. Please apply the disclaimer in footnote 3 to footnote 4.

[5] Bears may sleep inside. I don’t know. Any animal inaccuracies or logical inaccuracies will be hereafter logged under the banner of satirical license.

[6] Speculative. Although, you could totally see this happening, right? The world would judge us for this idea but no more than they do already and the fact that they were enjoying our facilities while judging us for having said facilities would allow us as a country to go ‘AHA!’ in a very snide way.

[7] See footnote 6.

[8] Danny Trejo and Tim Allen 8a both served hard time before they became famous.

8a Really, Tim Allen. Wiki it. Then tell everyone you know this fact 8a1  and blow their minds.

8a1 Only applicable to those you know who are unfamiliar with Tim Allen’s wiki page.

[9]  So were America’s family: the Kardashians once upon a time. Reality television fixes everything. 9a

9a You’d totally watch the human prison show while pretending that you just stumbled across it 9a1 when it’s brought up at work. Then after enough people were wearing the t-shirts, you’d be the one bringing it up. I see you. Don’t be ashamed.

9a1 Isn’t it silly how people do that? ‘I was just flipping channels 9a1a when I stumbled across..

9a1 Too many channels 9a1a and it’s so irritating that they won’t let you choose which ones you want. Whoever came up with this whole 300 channels packaged together thing should be thrown in a Prizoo

[10] These two things may even be related. 10a

10a Deep, huh?

[11] May. Don’t be all ‘you were wrong’ in hypothetical hindsight if it doesn’t happen.

[12] Like petitions and websites and the like. I want someone else to do this. I’m more the idea man.

[13] Trademarked. You read it here first. Subject to change but dibs on it.

[14]Or 2, 3. Logistics are not my department. If it takes 10 years that would be kind of a downer but what are you gonna do.

[15] Rhetorical. Likely viral support. That’s what we want. Bumper stickers are not exactly throaty but they kind of are so those as well. 15a

15a Don’t bumper stickers kind of feel like they’re yelling at you. I think we could alleviate a lot of tension in traffic if we outlawed them or at least restricted the types of font we allowed on them. 15a1

15a1 This is kind of nicer, right. Who can get angry at Comic Sans 15a1a

15a1a Some people actually do get very irrationally angry at Comic Sans. Google it. I’m serious 15a1a1

15a1a1 Remember when Dan Gilbert wrote that angry letter about Lebron James in Comic Sans?15a1a1a

15a1a1a It makes no sense that so many people hate Lebron when all he did was announce where he was going to play on television after we spent two years on sports television speculating about where Lebron is going to play 15a1a1a1

15a1a1a1 I actually like the Miami Heat not just because of Lebron but because of Chris Bosh 15a1a1a1a

15a1a1a1a He’s my favorite player 15a1a1a1a1

15a1a1a1a1 Because he’s bookish, articulate and funny and he plays a unique, efficient game. Also, because he’s underrated and underappreciated by many fans simply because he shoots a lot of jumpers and looks like a dinosaur. 15a1a1a1a1a

15a1a1a1a1a Lay off, Bosh, haters.

[16] If this is, in fact, a terrible idea then all of the above is satire. If it winds up happening, then build me a statue. 16a

16a Reading small print can cause headaches and blurred vision 16a1

16a1 The writer of these piece bears no responsibility for any discomfort or resulting conditions obtained from reading this piece. All rights reserved and maintained. This disclaimer is hereby presented to protect me from litigation and to allow me to profit from whatever is due me. 16a1a Props if you made it this far.