Navigating Romance in Yet Another Unnamed Decade

               I’m a world class procrastinator. Now before, you say: ‘oh, yeah, me too’, I’m not just throwing that out there casually. I mean, I have devoted decades of my life to the art of delaying action. You know that study about how it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill? If we can, for the moment, consider procrastination a craft, then the several score thousand hours I’ve put into it put me well above the 99th percentile of all practitioners and into a rare class of virtuoso deferrers, operating at a level the average type B cannot even really fathom. Ok, so you put off your homework till the last minute? I’ve spent the last 16 years working in a parking lot, always figuring I’d get around to doing something meaningful in due time. I’m not saying you aren’t good at putting things off. You just have to realize, that at my level, we play a different game.

                So, when I speak to you, all of you, and say that we’ve really dropped the ball on some things. When I, well, when I berate you for not adequately addressing these things, you’ll understand that there’s no judgment on my part. How could there be? I have dishes in the sink and I’ve yet to start the college enrollment process that was expected of me back in ‘97.

                Still, even I am alarmed by a couple of alarming things,that alarm me even more because I seem the only one alarmed by them. You dig?

                Obviously, I’m not talking about creating a single payer health care system, transitioning away from an oil based society or solving the world’s hunger problems. We’ve had those problems for-ever, they’re obviously not going anywhere and we’ll have plenty of time to fix them once we get done with all these labor strikes in pro sports. Besides, there are lots of qualified men and women working in vain on those problems already and continually fretting about them provides a valuable source of jobs.

                No, the things I’m talking about are, arguably, more trivial but they’re not being shown the proper attention and they should be easy to fix, really, if we all just put forth just a little bit of effort. It’s mainly just two things I’m talking about and I bet we can knock them out right here if we really try. Let’s take the easy one first. Quick question:

What decade were you born in?

Excellent. Getting some 60s, 70, 80s, etc.

Ok. Now which decade contains the music that you feel most connected to?

              Good. Ok, most of the 60s birthdays feel drawn to the music of the 70s and most of the 80s kids love 90s music. This is natural. If you were born in say ‘83, most of your teenage years came in the 90s and that’s the around the time that most people begin to feel really passionate about music. Alright, so, let’s say there was a kid who was born in the same year that George W. Bush took office:

What decade was that child born in and in what decade will they most appreciate popular music?

                I’m hoping you now see the problem. We, sophisticated denizens of the western world went through an entire decade without deciding what to call it. We can’t continue to refer to things as ‘in the new millennium’ all the way up until we reach the roaring-cyber 20s. A ten year period passed and we need a moniker for it that rolls off the tongue better than ‘that period between the year 2000 and the year 2009’.

“Aughts”, you say?

            When was the last time you heard anyone use that expression and furthermore try saying it now without sounding like Montgomery Burns. But, fine, if we can reach some kind of consensus on Aughts then Aughts, it shall be. But we need to decide and being well into another ten year ‘post-aught’ period, we absolutely need to name this one as well. Once we’ve settled this we can move on to the more complicated and vexing issue still at hand.

The Real Problem

I’ve often said that if you have any issue that has to do with love and romance, you can find answers in the songs of Smokey Robinson.

-How to survive a bad breakup?: (You) “Gotta Dance to Keep from Crying”

-How to rationalize rejection?: “Everybody’s Gotta Pay Some Dues”

-What’s an efficient sexual advance to make if you’re a creepy Charlie Sheen type who refers to yourself in the third person?: “Come on Do the Jerk”

He can also teach you how to:

-Woo someone into a relationship: “Come Round Here (I’m the One You Need)

-Sustain that relationship: “Baby, Come Close”

-End that relationship: “We’ve Come too Far”

-Rekindle that relationship: “The Love I Saw in You Was Just a Mirage”

-Or avoid the relationship altogether and fall back on self-pleasure and fantasy: “I’ve Made Love to You a Thousand Times (even if it’s only in my mind)”

If you want to do any of those things, Smokey’s got you covered. The one thing that the legend can’t do for you though is help you to actually meet other people.

How does one do that exactly? Let’s go through the usual suspects:

Bars and Clubs-

Cramped spaces full of sweaty people in various states of intoxication are not ideal places to find romance. Ask yourself how many happy couples you know of who met on the subway.

Work- 

This is where most people meet. Do you really want to limit yourself to whatever available specimens happen to be at your given job at any given time? Poor decisions result from limited options. Though it’s close to your house and has eggs, bread and milk; most of you don’t go grocery shopping at the gas station. Why? Right, you want more variety than that.

Stores, Restaurants, the Gym-

Here are places where you encounter lots of people who are there for very specific things that, while often tangentially related to the search for a mate, offer no real chance at a meaningful encounter. It’s not that you couldn’t possibly meet a Sandra Bullock or Keanu Reeves look-a-like by bumping into them in the produce section/getting your drinks mixed up by the absent-minded waiter/fatefully touching hands at the towel dispenser, and then engage them in witty banter that revealed a shared passion while exchanging a look of mutual lust that made it clear to even casual passerby that the two of you were destined to be absolute soul mates. It’s not that these things couldn’t possibly happen. It’s just that within the realm of non-scripted life, e.g. reality, I don’t like your chances and neither do you.

So, it’s hard to meet people. We all agree. And if we gauge important issues by how much energy we actually devote to stressing over and complaining about something, we could say it’s the most pressing issue facing us today (be real, none of you have ever called a friend out of the blue, depressed over the deficit.)

The Solution

               Ok, so you have a position to fill- an important position. I think we can all agree that you want to choose from a wide pool of potential candidates, right? Ok, good. Now, you have to vet these people. A background check is a given, so are references and a professional interview is essential. Can we all agree on that so far? Let’s agree. Good.

               
                What tool would you use to access as many qualified viable candidates as possible? What’s the best way to gain information about a person quickly and conveniently before you actually set up a face to face meeting? In this post-aught decade we’re living in, what’s the best way for the qualified candidate to send information to you that might help you make your decision? Where would you start looking if you wanted to run a background check on said person?

                Ok, someone just rolled their eyes at me. I can read their mind right now. Forgive me for the whininess of this voice but telepathically this is how it’s coming to me:

“Ohhh, whatever we geeet it. The internet. Listen, the internet is full of wierdos [Sic]. Myyyy cousin had a bad… static, cutting out, sorry… could be some old pervert. You JUST don’t kno… Ok, I’m losing them… think you know but you…. Weird, I think that’s… the Judge Judy theme in the background… won’t catch me…” and, yeah,  they’re gone.

                Well, I’m sure some of you reading this don’t share those sentiments. Some of you because you are said weirdos and aren’t really self-aware. But most of you because you realize that the internet is just a reflection of the general population and there are actually probably more weirdos per capita at Wal-Mart but that’s no reason to judge the whole consumer base. I mean you shop there and you use the internet. You seem pretty alright to me.

                I’ll concede to you that the Youtube comments section, from a random sampling, seems to be the most vile and hateful place in existence with more bigotry and ignorance than a Kentucky Tea Party (Or maybe just nearly as much). But you can’t judge the attitudes of an entire crowd by the one loud heckler near the bar and the internet is predominately that larger crowd. It’s full mostly of quiet voyeurs, content to just click, watch, clean themselves up and take a refreshing nap afterwards. Oh, also some use Wikipedia.

                So, now that we’ve established that the internet is just as perverted as the wider world, no more no less, (I’ve seen the wider world’s Google history. Trust me. Ignorance is bliss), we can look at it for what it plainly is: the best tool we have.

                So, how do we use it? Well, first we all need to use it- en masse. The more people out there, the better the odds of finding a match. It goes without saying that even at current usage rates, the ‘net beats more traditional methods. I have a formula that demonstrates this:

A database full of potential companions distinguished at the very least by their success in keeping up their broadband bill  > The unclaimed remnant dregs at last call

                Secondly, we need to use it not to avoid face to face meetings but to set up better ones. Of course, you don’t meet every person you talk to on the web. You don’t meet most people you talk to on the web. Cyber chatting is that essential first interview. You converse with the applicant and see if there’s anything about them that indicates they might be worthy of the position, or multiple positions (rimshot). If they show promise, you set up a face to face. Still no guarantees there. It’s just bringing someone in for more evaluation. If at any point in the process, it becomes clear that they’re not what you’re looking for, tell them in a professional manner that this is so. Don’t spare feelings. It’s how they get crushed. Do you know why Mike Tyson never even came close to killing a man in the ring? He’s was a finisher. Quick efficient knockouts don’t leave scars. Drawn out punishment does. This is better: “I’m sorry, you’re not exactly what I’m looking for here at Me Inc. I wish you luck with your search.” Done and done. Much better for both parties. Let’s call this the Tyson etiquette.

                Thirdly, realize that the central advantage of the internet is encouraging more coldly rational decisions. We’ve heard that we shouldn’t shop for groceries when we’re hungry. Why? It sways things. This makes sense as does the theory that you shouldn’t shop for a potential spouse when you’re:

Drunk

Horny

Competing against strangers around you

Dizzy from overloud club music

Flattered by the first attention given

Gazing into longing eyes

Eager for a sense of accomplishment

Eager for someone to notice how ‘good’ you ‘look today’

Impressed by what may be someone’s one polished dance move

Thinking he is deep and caring because he bought free range chicken

Thinking that it’s getting late

Entranced by the way her hair is blowing in the breeze

Thinking that someone’s car/shoes are a valid barometer for their personality

Judging by a first impression

                Let’s parse the last one. Extensive research by me has shown that the ability to seem instantly charming shows no correlation to the ability to be a decent un-selfish human being. Recall, how I boasted of my other-worldly skill with procrastination. It’s all about practice: reps. The person who’s the best at making a first impression is generally the one who does it quite often. If you’re looking for something substantial in a long term sense, a snap decision made about someone with the gifts of surface sheen and glib battle-tested lines is probably not the way to find it. Think car dealers. Feel that hint of nausea rising up in your throat? Exactly. You’d never trust one of them without doing a little research first and while a poor decision on a car can only cost you a great deal of money and add stress to your life, it can’t give you herpes. Make an unwise romantic choice and you could be faced with all three.

                Fourthly, if the internet can help bring down oppressive governments in places like Ethiopia, and connect LOTR fans all over the world, why can’t we use it to organize more meetings of like-minded singles who share things in common? Oh, well, I guess it is used for that. Um, but we could use a lot more of that. So, let’s all get on that, people. More meet up things and, I don’t know, conventions and outings and stuff. Ahem.

                Finally… don’t sigh at that. This essay has been relatively brief and divvied up for easy consumption. Finally, women need the opportunity to be just as pro-active as men. If you’re looking to find that ideal person to fill the position in your life, you could just put out a flashy help wanted sign, refurbish the awning out front and smile at any potential applicants who happen to walk in to your place, because they live in the area, they were passing through or they heard there might be something available and they’re open to any place at all that’s hiring. You could that. But frankly, it’s limited and frackin’ stupid. You operate a fantastic establishment, you’re a great person to work for/with and you deserve something better than just what fate happens to blow by your door.

                So, now that we know how to fix this problem, let’s do it folks, seriously. Let’s go online and start changing the social habits that cause so many of us to not meet our worse to meet poorly wind up in piss-poor settled for relationships. I’d like to help but I’ve already named a decade and shown you the way to happiness. If I do anymore in the near future, I’m going to lose my reputation as a first rate not-doer that I’ve carved out steadily lo these many years.