The Good Scale
Based on an anecdotal study with a sample size of two, I’ve found that “How are you doing?” is the most common question asked in the English language. Using the exact same study, I’ve discovered that “Good” is the most common answer to that question. If you sign off on the truth of both of the above statements (and by reading this far, you officially have. No backsies!), then you must also agree that we waste some ridiculous percentage (It would blow your mind if I actually did the math) of our time each day in a really inefficient manner. ‘Good’ means nothing. I’ll show you with the following exchange:
Sam: “How are you doing?”
Jane: “Quack.”
Now, you would need to actually hear the ‘quack’, or at least view Jane’s facial expression to know how she’s actually doing, right?. A lowered tone and lowered head with the ‘quack’ would indicate that Jane was in fact feeling down. A brighter tone and a smile with, perhaps, a Tiger Woods style uppercut would indicate that Jane was actually doing quite well. ‘Quack’ is just a nonsense word that means nothing without context but we may as well just say ‘quack’ when we say ‘good’.
Overuse has stripped ‘good’ of all its power. ‘Good’ is powerless. In a world where ‘good’ is powerless, what will become of the children? Who cares, say I, it’s really all their fault. I could ramble on now about how the youth have neutered all our once proud adjectives with their ‘epic’s, and their ‘awesome’s, and their blatant disregard for semantic heritage. I could warn you now that at the current rate of punctuation inflation, you grandchildren will not be able to say “What time is the movie?” without eight ????????s and five !!!!!s, for fear of offending their friends. I could be negative here, but I won’t. I come to offer a solution. You’re welcome, in advance.
I present to you The Good Scale: a basic ranking of ‘good’ that will certainly, upon its universal acceptance into the culture, revolutionize the ‘How are you doing?’ exchanges you engage in every day. It promises to lessen arguments and save countless hours by cutting down on follow-up questions. Most importantly, The Good Scale eliminates the need to study tone of voice and facial/body gestures to determine mood. The Good Scale is thus equally effective in purely text-based conversations. The Good Scale, if asked to rate itself, might humbly, yet fairly, describe itself as ‘Amazingly good’. Here it is, presented in ascending order of ‘good’:
1, Not Good At All
2. Not Good
3. Not That Good
4. Kinda Good
5. Pretty Good
6. Good
7. Very Good
8. Really Good
9. Damn Good
10. Amazingly Good
11. Johnny B. Goode
12. Meagan Good
Here’s how it works:
Sam: “How are you doing, Jane?”
Jane: “Really Good, Sam.”
Sam: “Wow, I’m happy for you. I know exactly what you mean and there’s no need for me to pry further into your state of mind. Would you like to catch a movie?”
OR:
Jane: “How are you doing, Sam?”
Sam: “Not good at all, Jane.”
Jane: “I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need me to call 911?”
Clearly, we’ve saved time in the first example and possibly saved lives in the second. I can tell that you’re on board with the need for and importance of The Good Scale. What you might have issue with is the particular ranking of each level of the scale. I assure that I’m open to debate on this. I want us all to be happy with this scale since we will all, inevitably, be using it every day. Here’s a breakdown of each level and how it was arrived at:
1. Not Good At All- This is the lowest level of ‘good’. This is when people say ‘good’ in such a dramatically depressed manner that they are openly begging for a follow-up question and will get internally angry at you if you don’t ask them one. These people are playing a game and none of us appreciate it. Either that or they really need help and aren’t able to verbalize it. Plain ‘Good’ should never have been used by these people. It’s the exact opposite of what they really mean to say.
2. Not Good- The second level is reserved for those not in dire straits but far from higher straits. These are people who are generally having a bad day, maybe a bad week but not necessarily a bad existence.
3. Not That Good- This for people in a momentary state of not good. They know that life sucks but that things could potentially be a lot better by lunchtime. These people often need supportive words and/or lunch money.
4. Kinda Good- Not ‘good’ but with possible glimmers of ‘good’,’ good sprinkles’ if you will. This is an optimistic outlook that can just see the edge of the bright side.
5. Pretty Good- Some of those I polled wondered if ‘pretty good’ was actually better than good but, upon reasoned argument, agreed that ‘pretty’ is so lame as a qualifier before an adjective that it usually diminishes whatever follows it. Exceptions of course include ‘sitting pretty’ and ‘looking pretty’, so, we can safely say that ‘pretty’ looks better going away than it does coming. This is the average state of existence, i.e. ‘blah, but nothing to really complain about’.
6. Good- A good place to be. Slightly Better than the average among the swarming hoard. Better than one usually feels on a ‘blah day’. This is where good always belonged and where it should stay.
7. Very Good- Better than ‘good’. ‘Good’ and a little something extra. ‘Good’ plus ice cream. This is the verbal equivalent of a slight pep to the step but not quite a swagger.
8. Really Good- Comes with a bit l of swagger and It’s often delivered with a head nod. This is for the state of mind where positivity outweighs negativity to the point that you begin to mock it.
9. Damn Good- This for people who feel like spiking a football at negativity’s feet while doing a pelvic-thrusting end zone dance. Swagger-step turns to bounce-step. Gratuitous collar popping is encouraged here. The judgment of others is from here on out rendered moot.
10. Amazingly Good- This is about as good as most people will ever get in their lives. This is the feeling of hitting every green light after a perfect night’s rest followed by good news, greater news plus ice cream. This should only be deployed when your ‘good’ swells in you a love for the world at large that makes all negative thoughts impossible to comprehend. Use sparingly but with bouncing, music-less dancing enthusiasm when applicable.
11. Johnny B. Goode- Remember the scene in Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox has to keep his parents dancing to preserve his own existence and save the tenuous space time continuum loop so he plays a Chuck Berry song that the kids have never heard before thus inventing rock ‘n’ roll as the crowd goes crazy… and it works? That’s how good this is. This is reserved for times of saving the life of yourself or others, perfecting time travel or inventing one of the most important cultural phenomena of all-time.
12. Meagan Good- This is reserved for either being or being married to Meagan Good. No more explanation shall be given. As the creator of The Good Scale. I pronounce this as the greatest of all goods and the greatest state of good. It is non-negotiable.
So, there it is: The Good Scale. Please, all of you, carry it forward into the world until it becomes a thing. I hope it helps humanity and brings enjoyment and efficiency wherever it travels. Feel free to tweak it but don’t mess with 12. Thanks for reading and I hope you’re doing 7 or better. I’m almost an 8. Thanks for asking.