Fixing Your Life with Pop Music: Volume 1- Janet Jackson (Why Are Your Dancing Feet Still on Your Couch?)

All of us struggle with our divided selves. Even as part of you reads these words, another part of you is regretting the fact that you clicked on this link in the first place.

“You’re on the internet” it's saying.

“There are funny, moving, sexy videos everywhere. There’s free music, anything you want. There’s dates! And what are you looking at? A text message that seems to go on forever.”

Ignore that voice, just for a few minutes. I’m here to help. Janet is here to help. Help me to help her to help you to help you.

We all want to work out more.

If you don’t work out at all, then you have more time to watch movies and any of us who watch movies can’t help but be brainwashed into wishing that our lives were a little more like the cool, edited and soundtrack-synced existence of the extra big people on the giant screen.

If you work out constantly, then you’re constantly reminded, whenever you’re able to squeeze in a film, or at least hear about one while resting in between sets, that Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry are ahead of you.

So, we all want the same thing but how do we get it? How does Janet get it? I’ll tell you now. She writes songs for herself that embrace the divided self. You should embrace them and then embrace your new, more finely toned self later, many months later, when all your goals are accomplished. You can thank me right after that.

The songs:

“What Have You Done for Me Lately”

I just endured a breakup and immediately had a week off to think about it. This is not an ideal sequence of events. I didn’t write or work out for a few days. I was in a bit of a funk and Janet (Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty) snapped me out of it. I had managed to drag myself to the gym and while working out in front of a giant mirrored wall (fun fact: most gyms were once discos) this song shuffled into my earbuds. Staring at myself, I was forced to confront the futility of my recent existence. What had I done for me lately? Why were my dancing feet always on my couch? My God, if I didn’t cook, we would starve to death. I stared at the man in the mirror and forced him to change his ways. You can do the same. This song is amazing in an ‘I’ll show you, me!’ sort of way. Start your playlist here and prove to yourself that you deserve yourself. Give yourself a genuine ultimatum: If you don’t step it up, you’re totally out of there. You mean it this time

“Got Til It’s Gone”

On the most sexual album any major star, outside of Minnesota, has ever released (the eternally cool Velvet Rope), Janet gives us a breather from the heavy breathing for a Joni Mitchell cover. ‘Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?’ is pretty self-explanatory.  Do the work now or regret it later. Most of the damaging effects that we associate with the aging process are a direct result of sarcopenia, which is simply the natural muscle loss that occurs with aging. This is completely preventable with the use of strength training. If you seek proof of this, go look at Janet Jackson. No, I mean, seriously go and look at her. Open up a new window and search for some recent images. Go now. I’ll wait… Janet has been around forever. Ever hear old people talk about the good times? Janet was there. She starred in the good times. Michael Jackson is no longer with us. Remember when he was a little kid? Janet was there too. Remember when MTV showed music videos? They really did way back when. Janet was in half the cool ones and some of them were in black and white. That’s how far back Janet goes. Now go and look at her again. She has no sarcopenia. She realized before it was gone what she got and she kept it. She probably decided to record this song while talking to herself in one of those mirrored walls at the gym. Go and listen to this song and look at Janet and be inspired. Don’t let your got be gone. It’s like Q-Tip says in the song: “Why you wanna go and do dat, and do dat?”

“Black Cat”

This song is useful simply because your mere proximity to it will make you a cooler and, thus, more confident person. This will help you to believe in yourself when you’re getting started in the beginning of your workout journey. The hardest part is the beginning but listening to this song should remind you that, as long as this song is playing, part of you is in fact a complete badass and there is nothing that you can’t power through. When you listen to “Black Cat”, part of you is Janet Jackson. She takes over the moment she begins counting. Let her. Just listen to it and move vigorously in whatever way feels natural. Replay 12 to 15 times to encompass a full cardio workout.

“Together Again”

You worked really hard at the gym and you pushed yourself as your own personal trainer. At times it may have even gotten a little contentious. Feelings may have been hurt. It’s time to play the song that reunites the divided self. It’s time to come together again. After your workout, take yourself out while listening to this. Buy yourself something nice. If it feels right, you can even have makeup sex, solo.